Cold hands, warm shart.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
