she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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