fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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