...so i touched it.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Randomize
