Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
