He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
