Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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