Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
