Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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