I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
