Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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