Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
