so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
