omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
