God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
