I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
