I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
