i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
