Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
