he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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