Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
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The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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