I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
two words: eviction party
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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