Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
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and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
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"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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