Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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