i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
