i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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