I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
