My liver just broke up with me...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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