I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
