420 ftw
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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