every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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