I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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