I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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