...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
