dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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