My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
whose parrot is this?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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