Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
