my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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