i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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