just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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