We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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