Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
