I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize