When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
