I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
