I puked a lego.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
