Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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