she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
