my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Come see our sink grown plant.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm getting married
To pizza
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
