Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
