Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
