im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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