i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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