I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
